PART 1 of 2: Naivety
"I wouldn't know where to start
Sweet Music playing In The Dark
Be still My Foolish Heart,
Don't ruin this on me"
- Hozier
Him
She sat there absolutely still and silent; staring vaguely outside the little window, at the head of her bed. The lights were turned off. The navy evening slowly crawled inside the small room. Her glassy eyes reflected the city lights. Her woolly socks and her oversized t-shirt; they barely hid her thighs when she sat cross legged. She sat there on her bed, beside me. Meditating on something unknown, her eyes kept staring as wide as they could. I sat there leaning on the wall adjacent to the window, against which the small bed was pushed.
Sometimes she zoned out like that, I was used to it.
She abruptly turned her head and looked at me, blinked a few times and then a smile broke on her small round face. Yes, those warm smiles that reach the eyes. Those smiles which remind you of how Cadbury's chocolates melt in the mouth. Those smiles that remind you of your innocent childhood joys. We kept staring for a while. She turned herself to face me and enthusiastically tucked a damp strand of stray hair behind her ears.
"Let's do something", she whispered almost giggling. I nodded and smiled doing my best to show her I was very much interested.
But I am a simple man. I do not know how to woo women, maybe that's why my previous lady always got angry, maybe that's why she always fussed over me. I am sorry she had to tolerate me. I just read my books and made her breakfast, maybe that's why she left. Maybe I should have done more.
"Close your eyes then," she said bubbling with energy, she took my hands in hers like we were praying before we had our dinner and whispered, "Stay still, okay?" I nodded. I must have had a sheepish grin plastered on my face. She let go of my hands and etched closer to me. I suppose she sat down with her legs folded beneath her. She held my face with both of her small hands and ran her thumbs along the contours of my cheek, feeling the cheekbones. Her hands smelt like the mint hand wash that she always used. She did not stop there; she went on to do a live commentary as to what she felt with her fingertips, she might have had her eyes closed too, I could not tell.
"Firstly, you have beautiful hands, long fingers and clean nails. Next, you haven't actually shaved for a few days and have a soft stubble…" she chirped.
I could hear her smile through her voice.
She ran her fingertips ever so slightly over my closed eyelids and traced my eyebrows with her thumbs. She continued, "...and you have very beautiful eyes. I don't know how to really explain that. And a bit of fleeked eyebrows."
She put her hand on my temple as if checking if I had a fever and then with both of her hands she put her fingers in my curly hairs. "Hmm, a good wide temple and overgrowing curly hairs, that's somewhat of a beautiful man," she giggled and held my face again. She got closer, her face etching closer to mine. Her warm breath hitting my cheek. By now my heart had started racing. A lump formed in my throat. Butterflies? I think everybody knows about them. Breathing ragged. Cheeks burning. And then she pressed her lips on my cheek, an insignificant peck.
She said in a small voice as if talking to herself, "I always wanted to do that."
She cleared her throat. "Now it's your turn," she mumbled a little louder. "What?" I replied, startled by the freedom she was about to give me, the liberty to touch her.
"Yes, go on, it's your turn. Close your eyes and do whatever I did."
I stared at her for sometime, puzzled and slowly realized somehow she was at such a contrast to her. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She must have known how anxious I felt for she put her small hands over mine and softly whispered, "It's all right, don't panic. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to."
No, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to tell her that for once in a long while I had not been so loved, so cared for. I wanted to tell her that I was warm again. I wanted to show her how grateful I was to her for making me feel like I was me again.
"No, no. I will do it." I blurt out, almost apologetic. "You sure?" she asked, running her thumbs on my knuckles. I could clearly feel concern in her voice. "Yeah. Let's do this," I replied enthusiastically.
I closed my eyes and held her face. Her face fit perfectly in my palms, and I did the same as she did. I traced her lightly freckled cheeks along the contours and sang to her, because I sang for a living and only knew how to sing and write songs. "So, here we have a really small soft hands, and softer cheeks…" I say smiling. I could feel her lips stretch into a smile under my finger tips. I traced her eyes and her eyebrows. "Hmm, let's see. We have quite big eyes, almond shaped, with double eyelids, You call them that, right?," I whispered. She nodded, almost spilling a giggle. I traced her nose with my index finger and tapped on the top. "Boop! That's for Lucas the spider. We have a beautiful small nose here..." I mumble with a sheepish grin stretching on my face. She giggled louder. She took a deep breath and exhaled as if she was at peace now. And I awkwardly realized that her small nose was just the size of my thumb. I chuckled and held her face between my hands. I traced her chin and unable to help myself brushed my thumbs on her lips as lightly as possible. And stopped. She had curled her fingers around my left wrist. She pulled my palm to press her lips against them. "Open your eyes," her voice calm yet warm. I follow. She smiled, holding my hand like nobody ever let her do what she did that day. Gratitude twinkled in her eyes. I smiled back.
Silence. A common comfortable silence had settled in the air. The kind of silence that you share with your pet when it sleeps, the kind of silence that you share with the trees when you sit under, relishing their shade. The kind of silence that is not overwhelming.
The trance broke when she fidgeted and dropped her hands on her lap, clasping and unclasping them. I withdrew my hand from her face. She fidgeted a little more and I asked a bit worried, "What's wrong?" She did not look at me and kept glancing down at her hands. I could see her turning red. "Are you all right?" I asked a bit more worried.
"Yes, yes… I am… you know… I was thinking… I was thinking that… would you mind me asking if… if you… if I want you… to… to… ummm… kiss… me?" she asked, an apology plastered on her face. Mostly guilt ridden, as if asking for a kiss was the greatest blasphemy she could commit.
"Only… only if you want to… it's alright if you don't… I understand," she added on quickly.
I wondered how she could still stick to the childish habits of feeling guilt for the mere want of self indulgence and physical aspects of love. Startled at her bothersome innocence, I laughed and continued.
"No honey, I would love to kiss you." And I pulled her into a nice warm hug. The gesture seemed to calm her down a bit.
In that ephemeral moment I realized that however childish she might have seemed in numerous ways, she was very considerate of people around her. More considerate than most of the people really were. Whenever my private space was involved she never missed asking if I was okay with it. I had seen her do that with almost every one she interacted with.
Her eyes closed, she mumbles airily almost yawning, "Good lord, you are such a good man, I love you, God should make more people like you" she exhales, her body relaxing slowly in my arms. I chuckled and kissed her forehead.
"So do you want me to kiss you or you wanna sleep?" I asked jokingly, rubbing her back. Still her eyes closed she nodded. A bit later she mumbled "Yeah, kiss me."
I pulled away from the hug and she looked at me questioningly squinting her eyes, eyebrows furrowed. I tried to smile as warmly as possible and said. "Since this is your first kiss let me make it special for you."
Yes, she had virgin lips, never drank, nor smoked… and drugs? Well she only knew about them from her biology books and Netflix shows.
I crawled to the same edge of the bed and leaned on the pillows half lying - half sitting. "Come here and lie down with me," I say. She crawled to me and lay down, her head and her hands curled up and rested on my chest. "Now, relax and look up at me," I say. I could not believe I was actually doing something like that. I had never instructed someone to do something as intimate as that. My previous lover always took that part. She loved to be the dominating one, giving orders and stuff. I could not tell if I was happy or anxious, nevertheless I was certain that I was excited as she was. "I can't, I am so cold." she whispered, looking straight at nothing. "Baby, close your eyes and take a deep breath," I said, pulling the blanket over us. She did as I explained and then looked up at me, her eyes almost drooping. "Are you feeling sleepy, honey?" I asked, smiling. "I am so sorry but how can I not get sleepy when I am this comfortable, you are so warm" she smiled and snuggled a bit closer to me, closing the imaginary gap between our bodies. "But, I want you to kiss me," she mumbled, blushing, looking me in the eye. "Yes I definitely will" I replied. "Close your eyes, and part your lips," I whispered as slowly as possible. She did so, more blood rushing to her cheeks, her breaths getting shallower. I held her face and put my lips on hers, hoping my stubble won't hurt her face. I could feel her hands getting limp, her brows furrowing, her breaths quickening. I try to be as soft as possible, as slow as the first kiss should be. I suck at her bottom lip and run my tongue over. But anxious, I pull away, our temples touching. She was breathless. She gulps, eyes still closed. "Sweet lord! Can you kiss me again? Can you just kiss me till I fall asleep? Oh good heavens forgive me, but just kiss me, I beg," her voice raspy, urgent and demanding, yet low like soft whispers.
"Shhh, angels don't beg, and I can do exactly what you ask for," I said and kissed her once again.
It should be made known that it wasn't only her that might have felt the magic, but me too. I had done a lot of things before, but that was the first time that it felt like it was meaningful and magical. Her hands crawling up my neck and ever so softly tugging at my face, wanting more, me holding her by her waist, and the tingle at the touch of her skin that occasionally showed itself, when her shirt rose up, we couldn't get enough of each other. I felt so sleepy, I wasn't even tired. But I wanted more of her love, more of her magical softness. I wanted to devour her love. But I felt so sleepy.
I realized what she was talking about, you get sleepy when you get comfortable. When you get relaxed so much, you are going to get sleepy. But I wanted to kiss her more, I did not want to stop there. Even with my previous lady I hadn't experienced something as intimate as this yet as simple. That was something new, something different. She pulled away half moaning airily, wanting to say something . Our eyes still closed. "I am so sleepy honey." she whispered, settling her head slowly on my neck. Bridge of her nose fit perfectly at my jawline. "Me too, honey," I mumbled and turned my head to kiss the bridge of her nose. "I love you so very much, I love you so much. Let's just sleep," she mumbled a dreamy smile on her face. I couldn't agree more. "I love you too," I nod in agreement and lay down, my head on the pillows, hers on my chest, half hidden by the fluffy blanket. Her breaths slowed down and got more even. We fell asleep together for the first time.
The next morning I woke up with my back to the window. I turned to look if she was still there. Yes she was there sleeping peacefully, her back towards me. The mellow sunlight, diffused through the white cotton blinds gave her a golden glow. She was so beautiful. She did not have a sharp nose or perfect skin, nor did she have long slender legs, with thigh gap and stuff, instead she was short and had a tight slender body. She had wheatish complexion, not the apparent beautiful olive nor a perfectly pale complexion, yet she was so beautiful. These silly things didn't even matter in the first place. I couldn't help but put my arms around her waist, my cheeks pressed on her back and slouch down for some more time. She stirred a little then went back to sleep. I removed the stray strands of hair from her neck and pressed my lips at the base of her jaw. I trailed down kisses along her neck and shoulder. She gasped open- mouthed, moaned and turned to me. She pressed her lips lightly on my chin and put her arms around my neck. Small pecks at my lips. I kissed her, full on the mouth. She giggled and responded immediately.
I swear to god this was the first time I had pillow talked. I did not know it could have been so beautiful. She abruptly pulled away, scrunched her nose, still smiling. "Don't kiss me, I haven't brushed my teeth yet!" She whispered, coaxing me. I closed my eyes and laughed. "It doesn't matter, you still taste as sweet as honey," I chuckled and kissed her again. Her soft hands held my neck and her fingers trailed softly through my hair. I put my hand on her small hands and squeezed it to tell her that it was alright to tug at my hair. Her grip tightened a bit and she tugged at them, wanting more. My hand trailed to her neck, caressing the back of her neck and the other holding her close to me by her waist over her shirt. She lightly ran her hands along my arm, held my hand and put it under her shirt around her waist. I was losing my mind then. Her belly pressed on my torso, her chest pressed on mine, I caressed the bare skin of her waist, until she pulled away breathless, her eyes still closed, our foreheads still touching. "Jesus! Don't kiss me, I can't stop kissing you, I just want to keep kissing you…" she complained, exasperated with herself. I hugged her and she snuggled a bit closer to me and settled comfortably with her head on my chest, just under my chin.
"I love you, I love you so very much" I mumbled, kissing the top of her head.
Written by Tripti Biswas
Illustration: Aninda K. Nanda
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